He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
