I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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