I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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