And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
