i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
