people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
