I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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