I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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