We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
