my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
