sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
