I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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