He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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