so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
