Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize