Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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