he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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