She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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