oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
