I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
