I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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