Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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