i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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