If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
