We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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