So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
