i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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