go do what you do best...puke behind churches
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
