I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
