They should really pass out barf bags in church
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
