Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
