I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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