Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
