she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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