listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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