So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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