Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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