Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
