I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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