Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize