Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize