Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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