It's Friday. Sex?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
