a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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