I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
