what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
only if we run a train.
done.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
