Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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