So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
