I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
