i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize