This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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