god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
