we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize