I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
