I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
