So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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