Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
